The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
