I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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