I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Acid is not a monday night drug
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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