My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
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