literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
