Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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