I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
