And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
