I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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