I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
