you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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