if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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