the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
