It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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