I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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