If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
