Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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