I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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