Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am available for nakedness
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
