Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
