between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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