If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
