When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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