Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
