Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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