Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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