During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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