I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
