I wish my penis had an off switch
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Small penises have feelings too.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
