I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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