You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
