i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
