No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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