Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
