I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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