do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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