I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
