2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
