dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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