I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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