My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
