You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
