wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
