I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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