At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we're making bets on your personal life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
