How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
