In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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