I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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