You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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