Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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