I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
