I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Even my vagina gasped.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize