how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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