The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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