my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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