i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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