Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
