Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
