dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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