You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
