I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
